Year #33...and Survivors' Guilt

Back on the 10th of this month, I finally turned 33.  On one hand, I was glad that I made it to another year.  After being diagnosed with cancer almost a year ago, I honestly didn't think I would live to see this age.  But I did.  I made it, and I didn't let cancer beat me.  Psshh...screw that mess.

But at the same time, I feel tremendously guilty for making it to my 33rd birthday.  Why?  Well, I guess it's because there are so many women that have gotten the same cancer diagnosis that I did, and they weren't as lucky.  I find myself wondering why I survived cancer, and they didn't.  It truly bothers me a lot that I was spared.  Everybody deserves to be spared.  Everybody.  I just wish they could be around to be able to celebrate their next birthdays, like I was able to.  And that was why I did not want to celebrate my birthday at all.  I didn't want to celebrate another year of life when someone has just died.  To me, it just didn't feel right at all.  But as someone in my support group, I should celebrate for all of those that didn't get the chance to do so.  This year, I didn't really celebrate my birthday, because I wasn't in the spirit.  Perhaps next year, though.  After all, what better reason to celebrate, right?

*kathy*