Feeling Incomplete

It's been said that after a woman has a hysterectomy, she doesn't feel complete, that no one will want her.  I always thought this was an exaggeration, but after my ordeal, I have found that it wasn't one after all.  :-(  I always had hope that I would settle down and have kids (not necessarily getting married, mind you).  I even had names picked out if I ever got lucky and became pregnant.  But when my oncologist told me that I would need a radical hysterectomy (even the ovaries couldn't be saved), I cried.  I truly cried.  I felt like my one chance at happiness was gone in that one moment.  :-(  Most guys my age want to settle down and have a child or two.  And I can't give him that.  There's really nothing I can offer.  :-/  Honestly, who would want to be with someone who can't produce?  The questions about "when are you two gonna have a baby?" are bound to annoy him sooner or later, and I'm sure it would drive a wedge between us.  And adoption is a no-go.  It's not the same, I don't care what anyone says.  It's just not.  :-(  I feel broken inside, and no one can put me back together.  And that's just too bad.

*kathy*

Things That Annoy Me...

Ever since I announced my uterine cancer diagnosis and the necessity of a hysterectomy (therefore never having any kids), people, though they mean well, have said some weird and annoying things.  I know they mean well, like I said, but it's still painful to hear.  :-(  I know their heart's in the right place, but that doesn't mean I like to hear it.  So here's a list:

1)  "You can always adopt."  Most often, the person who tells me this is someone who's got kids and doesn't know the pain of having uterine cancer.  A hysterectomy means never getting the chance to hear someone call you "Mom".  I love kids, so this is very hard news to take.  Yeah, I know there's always adoption and I might end up with a man who has kids of his own, but IT'S NOT THE SAME.  There is no substitute.  None.  So please don't tell me I can always adopt.  It feels condescending, and I don't wanna hear it.
2)  "You can have sex all day and not have to worry about getting pregnant."  That feels condescending, too.  Yeah, it sounds nice to be able to have an all-day roll in the sack, but please don't mention stuff like being pregnant.
3)  "I wish I could have your problem."  WTF??  This is the most insensitive and ridiculous thing anyone could ever say to me.  My "problem"?  Makes it seem minor.  Cancer is not a minor issue here, folks.  I would gladly have those monthly cycles, PMS, tampons, and pads any day.  Give me those over uterine cancer.  And I don't appreciate anyone making light of this situation.
4)  "You don't look sick."  WTF does that mean?  I didn't realize there was a specific way I was supposed to look because I have cancer.  I must've missed that memo.
5)  "You need to be at home and relax."  Yeah, maybe.  Then again, you try staying at home for 8 weeks and not being able to go anywhere is driving me crazy.  It's not like I'm gonna go build a house or anything, but I do like short car rides every now and then.  And they are great for the morale.  :-)

So just keep these in mind, and everything will be OK.  If you do happen to slip up and say something like this, I'll understand.  It happens.  But please don't make it a habit.

Love, Kathy :-)

One Week

It's been exactly one week since my radical hysterectomy.  Each day I am slowly getting better, though I am not completely there yet.  This morning I wanted to take a short walk around the patio of my apartment complex.  Just walking down the stairs almost completely sapped my energy.  Talk about being disappointed.  :-(  I had wanted to take myself to the store, but not really being able to walk too far shot that plan down.  :-(  thankfully, my friend Harlie came and took me.  (I was determined to get out of the apartment!!)  Walking out of the store did wipe me out a bit, though.  So I came home, ate some lunch, took my meds, and took a nap.  My aunt came over and cleaned my place up and did my laundry while I slept, so I'm grateful for that.  :-)  I do have good moments, though.  I no longer struggle to get out of bed, and I can lay on my side, even if it's just for a short while.  Coughing has gotten a lot easier.  It no longer feels like my insides are being ripped out.  It's a good feeling.  :-)  going to the restroom has gotten easier, too, and I don't have to go as often.  :-)  the only thing I wish I could control but can't would be my emotions.  :-(  I still spontaneously burst into tears, and I still get angry about getting cancer.  Every little thing makes me sad or upset or angry.  But each time this happens, I try to think of the love and support of those that care about me, and it does seem to help.  And I remind myself to take it one day at a time.  Really, that's all any of us can do.  :-)

One Month

It's sometimes hard to imagine that it's been exactly one month since my cancer diagnosis.  My, so much has happened to me in those 31 days.  It seems like yesterday that I received that phone call that forever changed my life.  Stuff has radically changed.  I didn't know one month ago that I would be recovering from a major surgery.  But that's the way things go, I suppose.  There are times that I'm angry, crying out "why me?" and "I didn't anything to deserve this."  But I know that God has brought me to this for a reason.  He won't put this on me if He didn't think I could get through it.  So I know I'll be OK.  :-)

Post-Surgery Medicine

Before my surgery, I only had to take one medicine.  Now, I am up to four.  For a person who doesn't like medicine and has a fear of needles, this is hard to adjust to.  :-/

Mood Swings Suck

Before I had my hysterectomy, I talked to several women who had the same procedure done.  They all said that I'll be going through some tough times emotionally.  Boy, they weren't kidding.  :'(  I find myself constantly bursting into tears for no real reason.  And I hate it.  :-(  I'm usually a happy person; I love to laugh and smile, so this is new for me.  Sometimes I feel so alone in all of this, like no one cares.  I know that there are people that do love me, and I'm trying to remind myself of that.  But it's so hard, though.  I just want to hurry up and get better, and it feels like it's taking forever.  :-(

Post-Surgery Update

It's been a couple of days since the last time I was on here, so I figured I should give an update.  :-)  I had my hysterectomy on Wednesday the 19th.  I didn't think that Dr. Moxley would operate on me so soon after my initial visit, but I suppose she wanted to remove the cancer as soon as she could.  She originally wanted to do it on the 12th, but I needed to arrange some things, so we settled on the 19th.  So off to OKC I go.  I arrived at OU Medical Center at 5 a.m.  So much stuff they had to do that morning, so many needles.  Bleh.  :-/  My surgery started at 7 a.m. and it lasted close to 5 hours.  The anesthesia didn't really agree with me, so they kept me in recovery another couple of hours.  I finally got to a room about 3 that afternoon, and they had me on a clear liquid diet, which I did not like at all.  I vomited everything but the popsicle I ate.  Nurse said it was probably bc of the anesthesia wearing off.  I was in so much pain, and hated wearing that damn catheter.  So imagine my relief when it was removed.  :-/  that first night was horrible.  I kept having to use the restroom, and I couldn't go without assistance.  :-(  sleep wasn't too much fun, either.  Probably because of the pain.  I finally started sleeping somewhat around 4 a.m. after the nurses did their blood draw.  After that, I started getting better, and I was discharged Thursday afternoon.  The 3-hour ride back to Vernon was horrible.  Every little bump sent stabbing pains through my abdomen.  It felt like I was going to die.  :-(  but I finally made it home, thank goodness.  The adventure now is getting in and out of bed and going to the restroom.  Takes me forever!  It seems like I'm always going to the potty.  I hate the struggle each time.  Doctor said I'll be like this for a while.  Totally not looking forward to this.  :-/  I sincerely hope Dr. Moxley is right and that all the cancer is gone.  I hear chemo and radiation are worse.  :-(

Surgery thoughts

My visit with Dr. Moxley went pretty good, I think.  She was simply amazing.  She and her staff took the time to explain to me what was going on, and what to expect.  They didn't really try to sugarcoat anything, which is what I appreciate.  She told me that the cancer is significant but manageable.  She also said that if there was a "good" cancer to get, this was it, if that makes any sense.  She thinks that the cancer was found early, so I'm grateful for that.  They're going to do a complete hysterectomy and remove some lymph nodes.  I'll be out of work for a minimum of 2 months, if there aren't any complications.  I hope not.  I would miss my co-workers.  Not to mention I hate not being able to do anything for myself, seeing that I'm an independent person.  And the chemo...ugh, I don't want to think about that.  :-/  but I'm ready for anything that comes my way.  I have the love and support of wonderful friends and family.  I'll be fine.  :-)

The Night Before....

So the day is almost here.  Tomorrow I finally get to meet Dr. Moxley, the woman who's going to be my gynecologic oncologist.  :-)  I am going to have to admit that I am quite nervous.  And a little bit scared.  I don't know what to expect, don't know what is going to happen to me.  :-/  I sincerely hope that the cancer hasn't spread any.  :-(  But from what I was told, uterine cancer is a very curable type of cancer (over 90% survival rate) and it's often found early.  Which is good for me.  I hate feeling like this, living with the stomach pains that occasionally hit me out of nowhere.  :-(  I am not looking forward to the hysterectomy (if that's what I need to have), but if it cures me, then I'll do it.  The same goes for the chemotherapy and radiation.  The way I look at it, hair grows back.  A person's life does not.  :-)

*Kathy*  :-)

August 24, 2012

It's a Friday.  1:57 pm, and I'm getting ready for work.  Even though I had just had two days off, I was still not ready to go back.  There's something about having more than one consecutive day off that makes you feel like wanting to say in bed.  :-)  It was just like any other day.  I even remember what I was wearing:  lavender T-shirt, blue jean shorts, white socks and sneakers, an outfit I have yet to wear again (too painful, I suppose).  Funny how a person can remember stuff like that.  I can recall exactly what I was doing when the phone rang.  I had just finished putting on my make-up and was about to put on my eyeshadow (it was purple--you know, to match the shirt) when the phone rang.  I had dropped my tube of eyeshadow on the phone, and somehow, that had made the phone pick up.  (damn smartphones.)  It was my gynecologist's office.  The lady's name was Rebecca or Rachel or something like that.  She said that the results from my two tests came back.  Oh.  I had forgotten about them.  (My bad!)  Anyway, she told me that my Pap smear came back normal, so that was a relief.  But the next few words are words that I will  never forget:  "We also got the results of the biopsy back, and it shows that you do have uterine cancer."  I began crying and almost dropped the phone.  I just could not believe it.  I didn't want to believe it!  Seriously, who wants to hear a cancer diagnosis at the age of 32?  I was in the prime of my life:  I had a (reasonably) good job, a great family, awesome friends...there was no room for cancer.  None.  But there it was.  Those were the thoughts that were running through my mind as I was on the phone.  Six minutes, 30 seconds that changed my life.  Six lousy minutes!

As I remained on the phone, the words "uterine cancer" kept repeating themselves in my head.  It didn't even seem real.  It was like someone's idea of a really cruel joke.  Well, it wasn't funny at all!  I tried concentrating on the words the nurse (or whatever she was) was telling me.  I was told that this was a very curable type of cancer, and that they were confident it was found early.  I suppose that was my silver lining.  But still, hearing those words can do something to a person's spirit.  Your life is not the same after that.  So many thoughts and emotions go through your mind:  fear, anger, hostility, resentment, just to name a few.  You feel like you're alone in this.  But the truth is, no one is ever really alone.  So many love you, and support you.  It's not only your fight, but their fight, too.  :-)

Kathy :-)

Kathy's Journey

Hi, my name's Kathy.  On August 24, 2012, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer.  It was quite a shock to me, no doubt.  There had been almost no history of cancer in my family (except for an uncle and a cousin), so I couldn't believe my news.  :-/  but anyway, this blog is meant to detail my journey, from diagnosis to (hopefully!!) remission.  I have been keeping a journal about this, and some of the entries on this blog will be journal entries.  You'll know they're journal entries when you see a date in the title.  :-)  I will no doubt be experiencing highs and lows as far as emotions go, and these blog entries will most likely reflect that.  So sit back and enjoy.  :-)

lots of love,
Kathy :-)