"The Change"

I've heard several people tell me that I would have a lifetime of adjustments after having a radical hysterectomy.  "You're gonna be experiencing so many emotions once you enter menopause," they say.  I would be having lots of highs and lows as far as hormones go.  People have told me about hot flashes, and whoo...they weren't kidding!!  I hate these things.  It can be 40° outside, and I would be needing to have the AC on.  It seems like anytime it's over 75° outside, I'm burning up.  I know one thing:  I'm glad it's not summer anymore.  I'm not looking forward to it.

They also say that your sex drive will probably go kaput, due to the lack of estrogen.  Psshh.  If anything, since the hysterectomy my libido has gone absolutely haywire!!  Oh, dear, it seems like I'm craving "it" more.  Maybe it's not a bad thing that I'm currently unattached to a guy.  Pity the first fellow who dates me post-hysterectomy.  ;-)

So I guess I'm not gonna be needing hormone therapy, after all.  My hormones are just fine, thank you very much.  ;-)

*kathy*

Writing

ERMAHGERD!!  I'm writing a book!  Why, you ask?  Well, in this cancer journey, I've had lots of thoughts and emotions, and I can't help but put them to paper.  I figured it would be a good idea to start a journal as well as a blog.  That in turn led to writing a book.  I thought that I could inspire at least one person by telling my story.  Somebody's bound to be encouraged by my fighting spirit and determination to live, don't you think?  :-)

In writing this book, I have found that I have had more emotions than I thought, even some that I forgot about.  I can't wait to finish this book so it can be published.  That way, people can read it.  I'm anxious to see what others think about my life.  :-)

*kathy*

Time Flies

It's hard to believe that it's more than a month now since the hysterectomy.  At times it seems like it happened yesterday, and then there are times that it seems like so long ago.  I've had my ups and downs, both pain-wise and emotionally.  There are days that I can barely move, and there are days where I feel like I can do jumping jacks.  (Though I don't attempt to do those.  I am not that crazy.)  And my emotions?  Psshh.  They make me feel like I'm on a roller coaster.  At times I am happy, that there's nothing wrong.  But there are also times where I'm sad, lonely, and depressed.  I'm angry that I got diagnosed with cancer and that I needed my hysterectomy.  I wanted kids, dammit, and now I couldn't have that.  It seemed like one cruel joke, and it wasn't funny at all.

But I suppose that's how life goes, sometimes.  I'm reminded of a phrase I saw on Twitter once:  "if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it."  That's what gets me through all of this, not to mention the love and support of my family and friends.  I couldn't ask for a better group of people.

*kathy*

One Month

It's hard to believe that it's been exactly one month since the radical hysterectomy that changed my life.  I've been in remission since that time, and I've had my ups and downs.  I have gone into menopause (at 32...wtf!?), and I hate it.  Absolutely hate it.  Hot flashes, and occasional bouts of the blues.  But the bouts have been rare, and they aren't as bad as I thought.  I do suffer from loneliness when people don't drop by or text.  But I can easily fix that ishh by getting in my car and going to visit my loved ones.  No problem.  :-)

I go back to Oklahoma City on November 15 to see Dr. Moxley.  I think she'll do some tests to see if the cancer is still gone.  I have been talking to some of my fellow "peach sisters", and they tell me this is usually how it goes.  After the 16th, I won't have to go back til February 2013.  If I can stay like this for the next 5 years, then I'll be considered cured.  I think I can handle that.

*Kathy*

How It All Started

My memory's not what it used to be (I supposed that's a result of being hit in the head at work), so there aren't too many things that I can't remember too well.  But I can remember clear as day how my cancer fight got started and the medical emergency that led to my diagnosis.

I've had bad monthly cycles for the past 8 years.  I didn't have any for 5 years, then I've had sporadic cycles, on and off, for 3 years.  I started having somewhat regular ones for about 6 months (though I had really heavy ones, but I didn't concern myself with that).  I was excited.  It meant that I might be able to have kids.  Woo hoo.  :-)

I can remember the exact day that my most recent issues started.  I began my period on July 20.  I was mad because that was the exact day that I went on vacation with my sister and my nephew.  Who wants to go on vacation during "that" time of the month??  I didn't, that was for damn sure.  I figured that it would last for a few days, and I would be able to enjoy the rest of my vacation.  Psshh, I wish.  It ended up lasting the entire 9 days!  :-(  Some vacation!  Anyway, I continued to have the red flow for days.  Okay, this is not good.  But I still didn't want to go to the doctor.  I figured the problem would go away.  But it didn't.  I still had the flow.  I did not want it.  At all.  It got worse.  And I hated it.  But finally one day, it stopped, as if someone had turned off a faucet.  And I was happy.  But I wasn't happy for long.

I started again the very next day, August 14th.  It started off as a light flow, so I wasn't too worried.  I was at work and needed to eat, so I went on break.  I went to the restroom and noticed the flow was heavier, so I changed, and finished my break.  I went back to work.  Ten minutes after I was back, I felt something "pop" down there.  Then, I felt something flowing hard, kinda like someone was pouring a drink down the drain.  I asked the RN to let me go home and change, because the blood soaked through the pad, the underwear, and the shorts I was wearing.  She let me go home, thank goodness.  When I got to my bathroom, I came very close to blacking out.  All that blood loss, I suppose.  :-/  I sat down on the toilet and it was as if someone had hit a fire hydrant or something.  The flow was that hard.  I figured I was doing #1.  Then I thought, no, that can't be right.  Something's going on.  I cleaned myself up and changed.  Before I flushed the toilet, I looked in it.  Holy crap!!  I saw red water floating.  I had never been so scared in my entire life.  My friend Ashley, who I was texting at the time, convinced me to go to the ER.  I was there for over 2 hours.  The doctor did a pelvic exam and some tests but couldn't find anything wrong.  He asked me if I had a gynecologist, and I said no, I didn't.  He said to make an appointment, but I told him that I had one in October.  He told me that I simply could not wait that long.  So I made an appointment the next morning, and they told me I could go that next day.  I went to see Dr. Winfrey, and she was wonderful.  She did a Pap smear and took some tissue samples.  I went home, and 8 days later, I was given the worst news:  I had uterine cancer.  I was sad, angry, resentful, and scared, to name a few.  But I was relieved, too.  Why?  Because it meant that I finally knew what was wrong with me, and that it wasn't just my imagination.  I was sick.  But now, I'm better.  :-)

*Kathy*

A Drastic Lifestyle Change

Soon after my hysterectomy, as I have mentioned, I began losing hair.  I was not happy when I found a bald spot on the back of my head.  So I decided to take matters into my hands and had the hair chopped off.  It took the stylist an hour to get it to where I wanted it, but she did it.  I thought I was going to cry when I saw the final result and all that hair on the floor.  But nope, I didn't.  I smiled instead.  Guess I'm stronger than I thought.  :-)

*Kathy*

Hair Loss and Going Back to Work

I had a totally unexpected (and most definitely unwanted!!!) side effect from my hysterectomy and ovary removal.  Ever since I got out of surgery, my head has been itching like crazy and hurting a little bit.  It was driving me nuts that I couldn't figure out what was happening.  I had been losing my hair (more than what is usual), and I didn't like that, but I didn't really think anything of it.  Saturday morning I was taking a shower and rinsing my hair after washing it.  I pulled out a small handful of hair strands, more than what is healthy.  :-(  And yes, I was freaking out.  I like my hair, and I didn't want to lose any of it if I could help it.  But I put the thought aside and went about my day:  napping, eating, watching tv, and reading.  Later that night, while watching the telly, I lightly scratched the back of my head because it was itching.  Imagine my surprise when I felt something smooth.  So I got my phone and took a couple of pictures of my head.  When I looked at the pictures, I flipped.  On the back where I had been itching there was a half-dollar coin-sized bald spot that wasn't present before my surgery!!!  :-(  I began crying and wondering wtf was going on.  I wasn't undergoing chemo or radiation, so I didn't know why the hell I was losing my hair.  I thought I was going to lose more, and I had even planned to shave my head (which I still might do, btw).  My friend Susan (bless her!) calmly talked to me and told me there was probably a simple explanation, such as the medication I was under.  She told me to call my oncologist first thing Monday.  So that's what I did.  I didn't talk to Dr. Moxley, but I did talk to her nurse.  She explained to me that this is common among women after surgery.  It comes from being laid flat on the operating table for about 5 hours or so (like I was), and not having a cushion underneath my head.  The harsh surface irritates a person's scalp and messes with the hair follicles, causing the hair to fall out.  It's rather common, like I said, and the hair grows back quickly, so I have nothing to really worry about.  It was a relief to me, and I don't have to freak out.  Thank goodness!!  :-)  now all I have to do is wait for the hair to grow back.  I still wanna shave, though.  You know, to honor those who are struggling more than I am.  :-)

Dr. Moxley wants to see me again on November 15th.  She doesn't want me to go back to work until I receive clearance from her.  I was supposed to return on November 14th, but I won't receive clearance til the next day, so I suppose I'll return on the 16th of November, at the earliest.  Grr.  Two more days I gotta wait.  It sucks.  I hate it.  But then again, Dr. Moxley wants to make absolutely sure that I'm completely okay to go back at full strength.  I can't complain about that.  I love having a doctor who cares about my health and is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty.  Every patient should have a doctor like her.  :-)

*Kathy*

Happy Thoughts

It's amazing how 24 hours can change a person and their outlook.  For 2 weeks, I was sad and bummed out...on the verge of going into depression.  I was angry, too.  I hated the fact that I had cancer and required the need for a radical hysterectomy.  I had plans for kids (one or two would have been nice), and this uterine cancer thing ruined my chances.  All sorts of thoughts were running through my mind.  Was I going to need chemo or radiation?  Was I going to die from this?  Did the cancer spread any?  So many thoughts.  I didn't want to think negatively, but sometimes I couldn't help it.  I was going stir-crazy, not knowing the results of the testing.  I even called the oncologist to see if I could get the results early, to no avail.  :-/  I finally went for my follow-up on Thursday, and I got my results.  When I was told that my cancer was at such a low stage I needed no further treatment, happy didn't even begin to describe it.  It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  I finally knew and I could live again!!!  Yay!!!  People who have never been in this position could not even possibly begin to understand how I felt.  I felt like I wasn't really living in those two weeks.  And that probably contributed to my depression.  :-(  But now, I've been happy and smiling nonstop.  Being told you don't need further treatment and that you are in remission does that to you.  :-)

*kathy*

Stage 1a, Grade 2

The title says it all.  :-)

Went to see Dr. Moxley today.  I only had to wait 10 minutes, but they were the 10 longest minutes of my life.  I was so anxious to get my results!  It's easy for others to say for me to be patient, but they're not the ones who have to wait.  Bah!!  But anyhow...Dr. Moxley came in and checked out everything.  I am healing from the hysterectomy quite nicely, which is good.  She told me that the cancer was confined to the uterus, and that it was caught early.  Thank goodness!!!  :-)  she also said that I don't need any chemo or radiation treatments.  So yeah, I guess you could say I'm in remission now!!!   Yay!!!!!

I was just so overcome with emotion when the doctor told me the good news.  I didn't think that I would react the way I did, but there you have it.  You never know how you're going to react to something unless you're confronted with the situation.  You never know how strong you are until you have to go through something like this.  I've been called plenty of things, but I never thought that "cancer survivor" would be one of them.  It takes a special kind of person to be called a cancer survivor, so I guess I'm special then!!  :-)

The uterine cancer is at Stage 1a, Grade 2, hence the name of the entry title.  :-)  I have been thanking the good Lord all day that it was only at this stage.  I have been truly blessed.  Truly.

*Kathy*

Nerves

Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. Moxley in Oklahoma City, to find out what stage and what grade my cancer is at.  I tell ya, I am quite the nervous Nellie.  :-/  Yeah, after surgery, she told me that she thinks they got it all, and it is not likely I'll need any chemotherapy or radiation.  But I have to admit, I'm scared that it's more widespread than she thought.  I am due to go back to work the middle of November.  If any other treatment is necessary, that means I can't go back to work just yet.  And that would be extremely disappointing.  I love what I do and the people I work with.  It's only been 2 weeks, and I'm already going nuts.  I hate being stuck at home.  I am an independent spirit, so this is new territory for me.  :-/  I've had a lot of time to think, and I'm tired of having to ask people to come see me.  I have had one person come see me since Saturday.  So yeah, I'm bummed, and you can see why I'm anxious to return to work.  I'd be around people.  Bleh.  :-/  I hate to be negative, but this damn cancer has me depressed.  And I still don't feel like a complete woman.  :-/  Gotta learn to get past that...surely there's a guy out there that will love me no matter what.

*Kathy*

Random, Rambling Thoughts

I'm totally wishing Thursday was already here.  Why?  Because I'm wanting to know what stage and grade my cancer is at.  I'm wondering if chemotherapy and radiation are going to be necessary.  I really don't wanna have to do either one.  :-/  Dr. Moxley told me that half the time, surgery is the only thing that is needed to get rid of the cancer.  But what's gonna happen if I'm part of the 50% that is gonna need something else?  That part scares me.  I don't wanna have to require anything else.  I don't wanna have to go through what my friend Susan went through when she had her breast cancer ordeal.  Sometimes I wonder if the treatment is worse than the cancer.  :-/  and if it turns out that I will need further treatment, I'll be out of work even longer than the 8 weeks I'm currently under.  It's only been 2 weeks since I've been on medical leave, and I'm already going stir-crazy.  This morning, I tested my strength by taking myself to the store and the post office.  That was not the wisest of plans.  My abdomen was killing me when I finally got home.  The trip to the store took longer than I expected because I had to stop and rest, I had such little energy.  :-(  No wonder the doctor said no driving for six weeks.  Ugh.  I hate having cancer.  It's no fun at all!!  I wanted to go to my high school's homecoming game...didn't get to.  I had also wanted to go to the Rangers regular-season home finale...didn't get to do that, either.  :-(  Like I have said, I'm hoping that the radical hysterectomy was all that I needed.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  :-/

*kathy*