Holidays 2013

Another Christmas has come and gone.  I still had something to celebrate, because I'm still cancer-free.  I got to see my little nephews and nieces Natalia, Adrian, Isabel, Sebastian, and of of course baby Sophia.  I love seeing them. My heart swells with lots of pride when I feel a pair of arms wrapping around my waist and hearing "I love you".  See...cancer took away my health as I knew it, but it did not take away my spirit and it did not take away my love for my family.

*kathy*

Dental Work

Last Tuesday I had to go to the dental surgeon to see about my two troublesome teeth.  These two teeth had been giving me problems for a couple of years now (even before my cancer), but I never really did anything about it.  The pain would come and go every once in a while, but I always ignored it because I was just too busy living life, and then of course, I had cancer to beat.  Finally, a few weeks ago, I couldn't stand the pain anymore, so I went to the dentist.  The dentist said my problem was a bit extensive and he ended up sending me to the dental surgeon.  The dental surgeon said that the two teeth definitely had to come out.  The wisdom tooth on the bottom (on the same side as the two difficult teeth), he said, was also gonna have to come out eventually, but that would be at another point in time.  The wisdom tooth, he said, was growing in, but was growing in on its side.  Go figure.  Anyway, I was absolutely dead set against the use of needles, so laughing gas was used.  (Hah, some gas!  All it did was make me cold and cranky, like it usually does.)  The procedure took a little longer than I would have liked, but the surgeon was gentle and had a good bedside manner, I guess you could say.  All throughout the procedure he talked about what he was going to do right before he did it.  That made feel good, let me tell you.  After the procedure was over, the dental hygienist remarked about how calm I was throughout everything.  But of course, I tell her.  I was a cancer survivor, knocking cancer on its ass.  After that, everything else is relatively minor.

*kathy*

Rewards

I had two teeth pulled earlier this week...believe me, it hurt like hell!  Grr.  I've been eating plenty of soft foods, and it's already driving me nuts.  But hey, I gotta get better and take care of myself, right? After all, I didn't beat cancer just to let my body break down.  :-)  so today, I decided to treat myself to some delicious Blue Bell ice cream.  Yummy!  I was tempted to eat the whole pint, but I didn't want to risk making my sugar go up in the morning.  So I guess I'll save the rest for tomorrow.  ;-)

*kathy*

Year-Round Hope and Magic

Something to hope for all year long, not just the holiday season.  :-)

*kathy*

Babies

Cancer has completely robbed me of the chance to ever give birth to my own children.  This used to be so horrible for me to deal with, but I think I'm starting to make peace with that fact.  I have so many precious baby nieces and nephews I can spoil...so I am most definitely feeling the love of a child.  Always!

*kathy*

(p.s.:  here are some pics of some of aunt Kathy's babies!)

Holidays

Sometimes after a cancer diagnosis, the holidays can be a bit overwhelming.  We occasionally struggle with getting into the holiday spirit.  After dealing with all the physical and emotional trauma of cancer and what it's taken from us, it's hard to be cheerful, it's hard to be caring.  But we have to remember that this is the perfect time to be thankful, to be cheerful.  We have to remember that we are blessed because we are now healthy, and that cancer did not win.  What bigger reason to celebrate the season than that?

*kathy*

One Year Ago...

August 24, 2012 is a day that is forever ingrained into my brain, and will forever change my life.  I had received a call from my gynecologist, who told me three little words no one wants to hear:  "you have cancer".  Words cannot explain how many emotions I went through after hearing those words.  No matter what, I was never going to be the same.  Was I scared?  Damn straight I was!  Absolutely petrified.

But you know what?  I think I've become a stronger person because of this.  I used to think of all that I lost.  Now I think of all that I have gained because of that 6 1/2 minute phone call.  I would not change anything.  At all.  :-)

*kathy*

Year #33...and Survivors' Guilt

Back on the 10th of this month, I finally turned 33.  On one hand, I was glad that I made it to another year.  After being diagnosed with cancer almost a year ago, I honestly didn't think I would live to see this age.  But I did.  I made it, and I didn't let cancer beat me.  Psshh...screw that mess.

But at the same time, I feel tremendously guilty for making it to my 33rd birthday.  Why?  Well, I guess it's because there are so many women that have gotten the same cancer diagnosis that I did, and they weren't as lucky.  I find myself wondering why I survived cancer, and they didn't.  It truly bothers me a lot that I was spared.  Everybody deserves to be spared.  Everybody.  I just wish they could be around to be able to celebrate their next birthdays, like I was able to.  And that was why I did not want to celebrate my birthday at all.  I didn't want to celebrate another year of life when someone has just died.  To me, it just didn't feel right at all.  But as someone in my support group, I should celebrate for all of those that didn't get the chance to do so.  This year, I didn't really celebrate my birthday, because I wasn't in the spirit.  Perhaps next year, though.  After all, what better reason to celebrate, right?

*kathy*

11 Months

Yesterday marked 11 months since I received my diagnosis.  It's been good, it's been bad.  Right now I'm experiencing pain in my right pelvic area and occasional vaginal spasms.  I've heard somewhere that if there is a recurrence, that's where it shows.  The thought of that simply petrifies me to no end.  It seems like just when I'm getting my life back on track, something negative has to happen to me.  But I'm trying to think positive, though.  Maybe it's nothing more than a side effect.  Going to Oklahoma City on August 1 to figure out what's going on.  Can hardly wait.

*kathy*

Tattoo Idea

I am not much for tattoos (I am deathly terrified of needles).  But I am seriously considering getting this, if I work up the nerve.  Only thing I would add at the bottom would be 8/24/2012.  You know, the date of diagnosis.  ;-)

*kathy*

Dwelling on the negative...or not

I have learned to adapt so much since being diagnosed with cancer last August.  I could be negative, and dwell on the fact that I started getting sick exactly one year ago.  But I'm not going to do that.  No way, no sir!  Instead, I'm going to focus on the fact that today I have been cancer-free for exactly 10 months.  Heck yeah!  I got this!!  ;-)

*kathy*

Important Cancer Journey Dates

Okay, so I've probably talked about this before, but it bears repeating.  There are dates in my cancer journey that are significant to me.  Some people might think I'm making too much of this, but cancer IS kind of a big deal.  So here goes.

July 20, 2012:  the very first day I started getting sick from my last cycle, in a hotel bathroom in San Antonio.  Egh, that day was hot!

August 14, 2012:  feeling so light-headed from the amount of blood loss that I had to leave work and go to the ER.

August 16, 2012:  undergoing testing that was mostly uncomfortable, but worth it in the end.

August 24, 2012:  getting a call from Dr. Winfrey's office, telling me that I had uterine cancer.  The longest and most painful six and a half minutes of my life.

September 10, 2012:  meeting my wonderful oncologist Dr. Moxley for the first time.  She's amazing.

September 19, 2012:  hysterectomy at OU Medical Center.  Five life-altering hours under the knife.

October 4, 2012:  Dr. Moxley tells me I am at Stage 1a, Grade 2, and that no other treatment would be necessary.  I cried so many tears of joy that day, I can't even describe it.

So now you know.  :-)

*kathy*

Vacation

I don't have any plans to go anywhere this year, but the prospect of ever going on another vacation frightens me.  Why? Well, last vacation I went on (July 2012), I started having major, major problems with my menstrual cycle.  It ended up resulting in my cancer diagnosis.  I know, I know, I'm not gonna get diagnosed with cancer every time I go on vacation.  But sometimes I can't help but think about that vacation from last year.  Funny how life does that to you.  But the good thing is that I'm getting better with each passing day.  :-)

*kathy*

Almost there...

Can't believe it's been almost a year already since I was diagnosed with cancer.  Seems like just yesterday I heard those absolutely horrible three little words:  "you have cancer".  Those are words no one wants to hear.  Every once in a while, when I think back to that terrible Friday, and I remember that conversation, I'll start to cry and become emotional.  It doesn't happen as often as it used to, thank goodness, but it still does, and it's always unexpected.  Maybe in time it'll be easier to cope with. But for now, whenever I think about the fact that I was given a cancer diagnosis, I become emotional.  And that's okay with me.  To me, it means that I've survived.

*kathy*

Thankful

On this important holiday in America, I must say that I'm thankful for the fact I've got freedom to choose where I want to go for cancer treatment.  Back in August during my initial diagnosis, I was given the option of choosing between Oklahoma City and Dallas.  So glad I chose OKC.  Such top-notch care I have received at OU, one of the best facilities for cancer treatment in the States.  And to think, there are women in other countries that don't have the same luxuries I do.  So I definitely don't take this country for granted.

*kathy*

Angels

Yup, I sure do.  And I call her "Mom".  She's been there for me in spirit since my battle began on August 24, 2012.

*kathy*

Peach

Peach is the new pink.  I know that breast cancer gets all the attention, but hey, we peach sisters need some love, too.  Not enough attention is given to this absolutely deadly disease.

And I may be a bit too preoccupied with uterine cancer.  (Forgive me for being too prejudiced.) Every time I see a can of peaches, or a picture of a peach, or see something with "peach" in it, my mind immediately goes to uterine cancer and its awareness.

*kathy*

Sadness

It just breaks my heart when people don't give much thought to uterine cancer, as if it's not all that important.  I remember an incident where I was asked what type of cancer I had.  I had said I had uterine cancer, and that person said, "oh, I thought it was something major."  Umm, what?  I figured all cancers were important, regardless of the type.  People die from all types of cancer all the time.  Okay, so uterine cancer is a very curable cancer (thank goodness), but it doesn't mean women don't die from it.  Geez.

*kathy*

Happiness

What is happiness?  Before last August, happiness to me meant getting a few extra dollars left over out of my check, or enjoying a day off.  But now, since my diagnosis, happiness means getting a clean bill of health...getting a day off to rest (if my energy is sapped, I really need an extra day to recuperate!)...spending time with friends and family.  Funny how your life changes after cancer.

*kathy*

Three Days

There are 3 days on the calendar that I'll never forget as long as I live and breathe:  August 24, September 19, and October 4.

August 24 is probably the worst day of my life (not including the date of my mom's death).  It was the day I hear those three words:  "you have cancer".  :-(

September 19 is the day that I finally had my hysterectomy and my health instantly got better.  :-)

October 4 is the day that Dr. Moxley told me she had gotten all of the cancer and that I was only at Stage 1a, therefore not requiring chemo or radiation.  :-)

No matter how much time has passed, those 3 dates will forever be ingrained into my mind.  :-)

*kathy*

Feelings of Confusion

It seems like I can't decide who to have feelings for.  On the one hand, there's the one guy I saw recently, after not being able to see him for almost six months (ever since he quit his job, and we were no longer co-workers).  I thought that those feelings had gone away, but they hadn't.  :-/  and there's someone else I've started to have feelings for, too.  I don't know why I like this guy.  He's brought me nothing but heartache.  But I still can't help but care about him.  :-(

Hopefully one day I'll be able to figure everything out and choose the right guy.  Until then, this sucks.

*kathy*

Accident...?

Sometimes I find myself wondering about my car accident from almost 9 years ago.  Before that horrible July afternoon, I did not have one single problem with my periods.  Not one.  But because of the accident, I had serious, serious issues with the monthlies.  I didn't have one for five years.  Doctors had told me the accident caused major problems with my uterus and ovaries, therefore causing the estrogen levels to go nuts.  Maybe that's what led to the cancer, maybe not.  I sometimes think that if I had never been in that wreck, I would have never gotten diagnosed.  But what if?  What if I already had the cancer in my body, and this just helped it along?  I'll never know.  For all I know, the cancer could've been worse, and I hesitate to think about what could have been.  But the important thing to remember is that the cancer is gone now.  That's all that matters.  :-)

*kathy*

Nine Months

Nine months exactly since receiving that awful phone call from Dr. Winfrey's office on August 24, 2012.  Oh goodness, where does all that time go?  It seems like just yesterday that I was making plans to visit Oklahoma City for the first time.  Since that first visit, I've been blessed with so many wonderful new friends and have been strengthened by the love and support of those I already knew.  I am so glad that I have not had to fight this battle alone.  And if I have to battle through this again (which I hope and pray I don't), I've got so many people that will be there for me.  I am one lucky girl.

*kathy*

Discrimination

It hurts to know that I often get left out of things just because I had cancer.  People don't like to invite me to baby showers because I can't relate to babies simply due to the fact I can't have any.  I wouldn't mind getting invited to these things.  Just because I can't contribute doesn't mean I'm not important.  I probably wouldn't go to a shower anyway because it would be too painful.  But to leave me out of the festivities is hurtful and discriminatory.  You would think people would act better.

*kathy*

Fate/Impact

Sometimes you have to wonder whether or not fate plays a role in our lives.  When certain things and events happen to us, we have to think about whether or not they were meant to happen that particular way.  Often we find ourselves making decisions about people and how it affects us.  And sometimes we wonder if the decisions we make are the right ones.

Every once in a while, certain people enter our lives, then leave, and then re-enter our lives once again.  You find yourself wondering, is it fate playing its hand?  Is that person supposed to come back after being away for so, so long?  And if they are supposed to re-enter our lives, why did they come back, and how long will they stay this time?  Are they supposed to have an impact on our lives and spirits? One has to wonder.

There are also times that certain people enter our lives for only a short period.  But oh, goodness, the impact those people make can be completely tremendous!  It's been said on more than one occasion that people may forget what you do, but they never forget how you make them feel.  I certainly find that to be true.  There are a few people that were only in my life for a short amount of time.  But oh my, I'll never, ever forget what they did!  Some gave me the courage to be strong and assertive, and some gave me strength to be kind and patient.  Each of these kind souls has made me into what I am today. And for that, I will be forever grateful.  :-)

Anyway, that's how I feel.

*kathy*

Good News :-)

Sitting in a hotel room in Oklahoma City, and getting ready to call it a night.  I would definitely think that it has been a very successful day.  :-)  I'm here for my three-month cancer checkup with Dr. Moxley.  Funny thing, I saw her nurse practicioner (is that how you spell it?) Sarah instead.  It was weird not seeing Dr. Moxley as I usually do.  I think it was because she was busy with other patients.  I didn't have to do a Pap smear this time, so that was a good thing.  The good news is that I'm still cancer-free.  That doesn't bother me at all.  :-)  before I left, the nurse told me to wait a few minutes so that Dr. Moxley could say hi to me.  That was pretty cool.  She wanted to take time out of her extremely busy schedule to see how I was doing.  I loved her for that.  :-)  my next visit is scheduled for August 22nd.  I was about two blocks from the hotel when it suddenly hit me...I had realized that the visit will be almost exactly a year to the day since I received that phone call telling me I had cancer.  And believe me, I started bawling like a baby.  My, what a difference a year can make.  This time last year, I was worried about insignificant things.  Now, I have learned to appreciate the simple things in life, like my friends and my family.  Who knew, huh?

*kathy*

Mother's Day 2013

Tomorrow is going to be the first Mother's Day I'll be going through since being diagnosed with cancer.  It's going to be a very painful day for me.  It's a very glaring reminder of what I'll never, ever become.  While I'm happy for my friends that have children, I can't help but think of the precious babies I'll never get to meet.  Oh, how I would love, love, love them to the moon and back!!  But I got dealt with a cruel hand in life, and I did nothing to deserve what I got.  Yeah, I know I've got precious nieces and nephews, but it's not the same.  And I'm tired of people telling me I could always adopt.  That doesn't help matters at all.  Neither does telling me I wouldn't want kids, anyway...they're a handful.  Who cares???  I would love them, anyway, warts and all.  :-/  hopefully tomorrow will pass quickly, and I can get through it.  It's really all I can do.

*kathy*

Nice Gestures

Every year, as part of my job, I gotta have refresher training.  I hate it, because I have to be at work at 8 a.m.  I am most definitely not a morning person!!  But anyway...yesterday I had to have one of those training classes.  Somehow one of the instructors found out that I had battled cancer.  And wouldn't you know, the instructor and the rest of the class gave me a standing ovation.  It was definitely a nice surprise and I was not expecting that.  It almost made cry.  (Actually, I think it did.)  It's nice to know that for insensitive moron (and there are plenty), there are wonderful, wonderful souls.  :-)

*kathy*

Surviving Cancer

Hey, you...(yeah, you!)

Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not truly a "survivor" just because uterine cancer is a highly curable cancer.  You are indeed a survivor, from the moment the doctor tells you those three horrible words:  "you have cancer".  Cancer is cancer, regardless of how early it's caught.  And don't let anyone tell you, "it's no big deal, it's just a hysterectomy".  It IS a big deal, especially if you've never had children (like me).  The uterus is a major organ, I don't care what anyone says.  And screw those that say other cancers are worse, and they deserve more sympathy.  Last I checked, this isn't a competition.  We are all in this fight together, regardless of how we got here.  We gotta stick together and make sure cancer--all of them!--is gone forever.

*kathy*

What Could Have Been

Sometimes, every once in a while, you find yourself wondering about someone from your not-so-distant past, even though you try your most absolute best not to.  Occasionally, you start to think about what could have happened between the two of you, if only you had spoken and expressed how you truly felt!!  Yup, that's me.  I'm naturally shy, and I have trouble expressing interest in somebody.  I suppose it comes from my horrible self-esteem.  I have had a problem with it for years, and of course, getting diagnosed with a type of cancer that prevents me from ever having children has not helped at all.  I do realize I have to work on building up that self-esteem, especially if I want to end up with someone.  But it's hard, especially if you're not used to attention.

*kathy*

A Small Battle, but a Battle Nonetheless

I posted a status on my Facebook page recently, regarding my personal battle about living with cancer.  Some well-meaning but misguided soul made some sort of comment about me making too much of a big deal about beating cancer and that there were women who went through a lot more than I did.  I do agree with that, but to say that I'm making too much of a big deal is extremely insensitive, to say the least.  Tomorrow marks exactly 7 months since my hysterectomy, and the fact that all of the cancer was removed.  Perhaps I am making too much of a big deal.  But on top of having to deal with a cancer diagnosis, I have to deal with the pain of never being able to experience the joys of giving birth to a child.  I grieve every single day for the children that I will never, ever have.  And for someone to make light of what I have to endure just because I didn't have to go through chemotherapy or radiation is truly uncalled for.  But I'm not going to let that bother me.  I'm just gonna concentrate on getting better, one day at a time.

*kathy*

Living with Cancer

When I first got diagnosed with cancer, I honestly had no idea that it would become such a huge part of my life.  Hah, should've known better.  It's always gonna be a part of me, whether I admit it or not.  There are some days that I'm pretty much sailing along, living life, and being happy.  Then invariably, cancer will creep into my head and remind me that it's still there.  Yeah, I know, the cancer is gone now, thankfully, but it's always in the back of your mind, and you wonder whether or not it'll come back.  It's the price you pay, I suppose.  It'll never be quite the same.  You just gotta learn to live with it.  :-)

*kathy*

Rambling Thoughts (not necessarily of cancer)

1.)  There's a guy I find myself that I'm truly starting to care about.  It's too bad he's with someone else right now.  (But if it's truly meant to be...)

2.)  "Full House" and "Family Matters" were my favorite shows growing up.

3.)  I am severely claustrophobic.  Severely.  Being trapped in an elevator for an hour does that to you.

4.)  Cancer has robbed me of the chance of being a mother.  Oh, how I would love to have a child of my own!!

5.)  I miss eating salads and veggies.  But my post-hysterectomy body won't let me.  Meh.

6.)  I really wanna go see the movie "42".  I did a research paper on Jackie Robinson when I was a junior in high school, and ever since then, I've always been fascinated by his life, on and off the baseball diamond.

6.)  More attention needs to be given to uterine cancer.  Too many women are getting diagnosed with it, and not enough people know the symptoms.  If symptoms are recognized, maybe this disease can be better managed.

7.)  I have lots of love to give to someone special.  Maybe one day.  :-)

8.)  Good things come to those who wait.

*kathy*

Milestone Birthdays

I had a thought today (and no, it didn't hurt)...I was thinking that I should really go all out when celebrating my next birthday.  I'll be 33 years old this coming August.  I know, most people don't consider the age of 33 to be a milestone birthday, like they would for their 30th, 35th, or 40th birthdays.  But I personally believe this is a major milestone to me.  Why?  Well, it's going to be the very first birthday I'll be celebrating since being diagnosed with cancer two weeks after my last birthday, and the first birthday since being declared cancer-free.  It's most definitely something to celebrate, I think!!  :-)  how could I not acknowledge something like that, right?  I should definitely have some sort of party, with a DJ and some food, and stuff like that...kinda like what my friend Jose had for his mom a couple of weeks back.  Maybe I can enlist the help of others, seeing that I don't really have that much money (cancer is expensive!).  And if a party is not possible, then maybe a birthday cake with a peach ribbon design on it or something.  That would be cool.  :-)  I just want to do a little something with my family and friends.  Since my diagnosis, I have learned to appreciate the small things, like birthdays.  :-)

*kathy*

When a T-shirt Means So Much

The other day I received a call from my dear friend Susan called me and told me that she had my t-shirt for the Relay.  Naturally, I was excited, so I went to go pick it up.  Since I am now considered a survivor (!!!), my shirt was purple.  On the front was the official logo design for the 2013 Relay, saying (as it does every year) "Celebrate Remember Fight Back".  I thought it was pretty cool.  And then I turned the shirt around to see the back, and in big white letters, was the word "SURVIVOR".  I can't even begin to say what seeing this image meant to me.  I began crying again, as I am prone to do from time to time.  I suppose I was overwhelmed with emotions from thinking of what I had gone through.  I know, compared to others, I haven't really gone through all that much.  But this journey is very real, and quite scary, to me.  It's something that I hoped I would never have had to go through, but alas, here I am.  A survivor, like the shirt says.  This is an item I will treasure always.

*kathy*

One More Day

Only one more day until our local Relay for Life event.  Can't wait until tomorrow...looking forward to using this opportunity to raise at least a little awareness for uterine cancer.  It may not be much, but I'm gonna do what I can.  :-)

*kathy*

Weather Change

Apparently Mother Nature doesn't know that the calendar reads April, not January.  :-/  it's cold, wet, dreary, and windy!  My right hip hates it.  Oy, another casualty of the hysterectomy.  Meh.  Can't wait until I heal completely.

*kathy*

Feeling Sickly

Woke up this morning, feeling sick as a dog!  Ugh, I hate feeling like this.  My eyes are watery, my nose is runny and I can't breathe through it, and I feel like I'm coughing up half a lung.  :-/  the medicine I've been taking since last night has helped somewhat.  I wished it worked faster, though.  I am ready to feel better!!!

*kathy*

Hurting

They say that love and romance aren't supposed to hurt.  I would venture to say that love does hurt.  It hurts a whole hell of a lot.  Rejection does, too.  It bothers me that I'm always getting passed over in favor of someone prettier or more outgoing, or someone who's able to produce children.  :-/  and that's something I can't do.  :-(  they say that there's someone out there for everybody.  Everybody except me, it seems.  Ugh, it feels like cancer has robbed me of so much.  :-/

*kathy*

Doctor's Day

They say that March 30th is National Doctors Day, or something like that.  Well, in that case, there are a couple of medical specialists that are near and dear to me:  Dr. Winfrey and Dr. Moxley.  Without them, I don't think I would be where I am today.  They showed tenacity when it came to fight my cancer.  They truly have gone above and beyond for me.  And for that, I'll always be grateful.  :-)

*kathy*

Dating

At what point do you tell a potential partner about your cancer diagnosis and the fact that you can never have children?  You don't wish to say anything because you don't want to run the risk of scaring him off.  But on the other hand, the cancer is an important part of your history.  It's not like you can ignore or deny it, like you can do with past relationships that did not end well.  You have to find the right time to tell him, I would think.  Just something I've been thinking about recently.

*kathy*

Health

It has been so long since I've had good health, I've almost forgotten what it's like to be healthy.  I was doing good for a while, eating 3 meals a day.  But my health comes and goes, I guess.  Lots of things are making me nauseous again, and I'm losing a bit of weight.  Being diabetic, that's not good.  I'm thinking that maybe it's the hormone medication I'm on.  I don't know for sure.

But the bright side is that this time, I'm not losing weight like I was before.  So there's my silver lining.  I would like to lose more weight, but I plan to do it gradually.  I just got to take it one day at a time.

*kathy*

Seven Months

It's been exactly 7 months now since my cancer diagnosis, and it still feels like I heard those devastating words just yesterday.  I guess it's something that I'll never, ever forget.

*kathy*

Relay for Life

Can't wait until April 5th, the day of Relay for Life.  I have so many ideas of what I would like to sell to bring awareness to endometrial cancer.  Gonna sell brownies in small treat bags and tie the bags in peach ribbons.  :-)  oh, and I'm selling peach bracelets, too.  :-)  they're also having a cake auction, and I'm planning to make peach cobbler.  But not because of the "peach" connection.  I am using my mom's recipe, and I figured that this would be her way of contributing to the event.  :-)  I hope to educate at least one person that night.  Then I will have done my job.

*kathy*

A New Life

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had never had cancer.  Would I have had any kids?  And if I did, what would they have looked like?  Would they look like me, or would they look their father?  How many would I have had?  I find myself asking these questions every once in a while.  I still wish I could have the opportunity to find out.  But obviously, life had other plans.  :-/  I also believe my attitude and outlook have changed, too.  I have learned to appreciate the important things.  Not that I didn't already do that, but I have learned not to take advantage of stuff, like my health, because you never know how long you'll have it.

*kathy*

Pregnancy

The hardest thing to accept about this cancer is knowing that I'll never be able to have children.  Every time I hear of someone I know getting pregnant, it feels like someone has ripped my heart out.  Yes, I'm happy for my friends, but it still burns me up inside that I can't have that.  :-(  and I don't care what anyone says.  Adoption simply is not the same.  It's just not.  But hopefully one day I can see the bright side of this.  I just gotta learn to be patient.

*kathy*

Things I Have Learned to Appreciate

Before I had cancer, there were a lot of things I took for granted.  A lot.  But since that horrible Friday afternoon in late August, my outlook on life has most certainly changed.  I suppose that is a good thing.  :-)  so here's a list of things I appreciate more now (some serious, some not so much):

*friendship and family
*love
*long hair
*sunrises (mean I woke up!)
*sunsets
*laughter
*health
*energy
*cancer awareness
*food
*children

*kathy*

A Heavy Price...?

Sometimes I wonder if it was worth having a hysterectomy last September.  I seem to have a lot of problems with my right hip whenever the weather changes.  :-/    (I guess that's what happens when you fall off the bed two weeks after the bed!)  There are a lot of things I can't eat anymore because it'll mess up my stomach.  And the stuff I can tolerate isn't diabetic friendly.  So there's a fine line between what tastes good and what I'm supposed to have.  And it bothers me that I can't have kids.  Ever.  A lot of times, I feel like I got robbed of that opportunity.  I hear some friends talk about their kids and getting pregnant.  Yes, I am indeed happy for them and rejoice in their news.  But deep down, I feel like I have failed somehow because I haven't blessed the world with children.  Yeah, the cancer is gone, but look at the extremely heavy price I have had to pay because of it.  I wish sometimes that I could have done chemotherapy and radiation to fight the cancer, as opposed to having the surgery.  That way, the possibility of having kids one day remained available.  But I suppose that things happened this way for a reason.  It might take some time for me to realize what that reason is, but it'll come eventually.

*kathy*

A New Life

A week from today (3/19) will mark exactly six months since I had my hysterectomy.  I can't believe that I'm halfway through my estimated recovery time, according to Dr. Moxley.  It doesn't seem like it's been that long.  Yes, I still have my bad days, both physically and emotionally, but the good thing is that those are fewer and farther in between than they used to be, and that's truly something to celebrate.

*kathy*

My Story

I was asked recently to share my story about my diagnosis.  I was only too happy to oblige.  It hurts to know that there are so many women that suffer in silence but don't want to do anything about it because they don't want experience any of the discomfort of the testing they would have to go through.  You can't do that.  That's exactly what I did, and look what has happened.  Had I gone to get help when I first started having problems, I might have prevented the cancer from forming, and I might have been able to have kids.  But regardless of the incredible sting I feel of not being able to bear children, I am happy.  Why?  Because I am alive.  Who knows?  Maybe my story will inspire at least one woman to get herself checked out.  And if I can help at least one woman (if only one) by telling what has happened to me, then I will have been successful.

*kathy*

Survivors Dinner/Six Months

A couple of weeks ago, I received a phone call from the Relay for Life chairwoman.  She told me that she had just received the information that I was listed as a survivor.  I had registered for my friend Susan's Relay for Life team, just like I did last year.  But this time, I was registered as a survivor.  She told me she didn't know I was even listed as one, since I wasn't one last year.  Well no, I tell her, I wasn't one last year, because I had just gotten diagnosed in late August.  She tells me that every year, the Relay for Life holds a survivors celebration dinner, and she really wanted me to go.  So of course I agree to go.  And I'm glad I did.  I most certainly enjoyed the food, which was good.  I also heard a motivational speaker give a powerful speech about the gift of living.  He tells us that we inspire him as a group, and that we are fighters.  Well, I don't know about that whole thing about being an inspiration to others, but it was nice to hear that someone appreciates us.  :-)
I looked at the calendar yesterday morning, and I had barely noticed that the 24th day of the month had already passed.  Wow, six months have flown by since my diagnosis.  Go figure.  And I had barely acknowledged it.  I take this as a sign that I'm slowly moving on in my life.  Cancer has not defeated me.  Quite the opposite, actually.  It's made me stronger.  :-)
*kathy*

Researching Cancer

I've been doing plenty of research on uterine cancer ever since I got diagnosed way back in August.  Whoo...so much information, and not enough people know about it or know what it means.  I was at work the other day when I was talking to one of my co-workers, one that had started after I came back from my surgery.  I had to explain to him what type of cancer I had, because he didn't know what it was.  I'm telling you, not enough research is done, and not enough people know what it is.  People need to be better educated about uterine cancer, like they are about breast cancer and cervical cancer.  But that's just me.

*kathy*

Peaches

It has been said that dogs are very smart and very perceptive animals.  I firmly believe this to be true.  Allow me to explain why I have come to change my mind about these precious creatures.

            When I was a little girl (and my family can tell you this), I couldn’t stand dogs of any type.  I was absolutely, deathly afraid of them.  I would refuse to be in the same room as a dog.  I used to refuse to go outside whenever I was at my sister’s house because I knew her dog was there in the yard.  I could never figure out where this unnatural fear of canines came from.  I had never been attacked by a dog before in my life.  Cats, yes, but I never feared them.  Go figure.

            As I got older, my unnatural fear of dogs subsided, and I have grown to respect them.  I still don’t really feel all that comfortable around them, but at least I can be near them and not totally freak out.  Now I think they’re wonderful.

            Anyhow, I saw a story on “Unsolved Mysteries” once where they profiled some dogs who could detect cancer in humans just by going up to them and sniffing them.  Their trainers would place several lumpgs of human tissue (or something like that) close together, and would inject one of the lumps with cancerous cells.  The dogs would sniff the air, and every single time they did the test, the dogs would calmly walk toward the lump with the cancer cells, and would not move from that spot.  The trainers would even move the cancer lumps to different spots.  Never fooled the dogs.  Not once.  I thought this was simply amazing, but I didn’t think this could actually happen in real life.  But that was before Peaches came along.

            Peaches is a wonderful, wonderful Chihuahua owned by my friends Richard and Tipton.  She is a precious, precious dog, but she can be a little diva sometimes.  That dog is about 13 years old—she is most definitely temperamental!  Every time I would go over to Richard and Tip’s house, I would see Peaches roaming around, barking at something or somebody.  She’s getting up there in years, as I said, so she’s gone deaf, poor thing, and won’t hear you call out to her.  She always seemed to like to bark at me, but she never tried to do anything to me.  Then one day, her attitude toward me seemed to change.

            My friend Boston and I have birthdays that are close together, so we decided to have a joint birthday party at Richard and Tip’s house. Of course, you know Peaches had to be roaming around.  I didn’t see her right away.  But after walking around for a few minutes, I felt a tiny ball of fur at my feet.  I looked down and I saw two big brown eyes staring back up at me.  “There you are, Peaches,” I said to her.

            I figured Peaches would start barking at me again and be on her way.  But this canine diva surprised me.  Everywhere I walked, whether it was inside or outside, Peaches was hot on my trail.  She kept sniffing me and licking my legs.  And if I sat down, she kept trying to jump in my lap.  “What is up with this dog?”  I asked.  “I don’t know,” someone would say.  “Maybe she’s in heat or something.”  And she was possessive, too.  Anytime someone got near me, she would growl.  Not a high growl, but a low-pitched one, one you could barely hear.  Wow, Peaches.  Wow.  She was like my personal guard dog that night.  She never, ever left my side and never tried to stop sniffing me.  What an amazing dog.

            I never really thought about that night, until I was at a party a few months later.  People started talking about their dogs and about how the dogs were very perceptive.  It suddenly dawned on me—this party and Peaches’ antics occurred on the 19^th of August—a full five days before I had received my cancer diagnosis.  Holy crap.  Peaches was able to detect the cancer and knew I had it before I did.  Wow, that’s all I could say.  Told you Peaches was an amazing dog.

*kathy*

Valentine's Day

As I write this, I am laying in bed in a hotel room in Oklahoma City.  A few hours ago, I had another checkup with Dr. Moxley.  It went incredibly well, I think.  She did her normal exams and said I am still free of uterine cancer.  Yippee!!!  I can't tell you how excited I am.  Most people don't know how nervous you get before these visits, and don't understand why I get so elated when you receive good news.  You only know if you have been through it.

It's been almost six months now since I got diagnosed with this terrible disease.  I'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more treatments, and all I have to do is travel every 3 months.  :-)  Happy Valentine's Day, indeed.

*kathy*

Jeremy

Jeremy is my wonderful, beautiful 25-year-old nephew.  He's my only brother's oldest son, so he (as well as his two siblings April and Aaron) is very special to me.  So imagine my heartbreak when I found out he had been diagnosed with leukemia.  :'(

When I found out about his disease, I immediately made the decision to go visit him in the hospital.  He was my brother's child; how could I not go?  I wanted to see how he was doing, so off to Wichita Falls I went.

I went to see him on Super Bowl Sunday, to be exact.  I had taken a gift with me:  two framed pictures of his dad as a child.  He enjoyed looking at the frame, that was for sure.  And he was certainly pleased to see me.  :-)

He told me how he found out he had leukemia (it started with a dentist appointment and the dentist telling he needed to go to the ER asap).  He also said doctors found it early and he has an excellent prognosis, which was fantastic to hear.  Back in the 1950's, this disease had a 100% mortality rate.  But thanks to the advancements in technology, not to mention his age and overall health (he had never been sick or in the hospital in his life), he says he should be okay.  Whew!!  :-)

I have to tell you, I admire Jeremy so much for having a positive attitude, despite what he's going through.  He's got strength and determination.  Doesn't surprise me, though.  He's got a bit of my mom in him, after all.

*kathy*

Low Immune Systems

I don't think anyone told me that once you got cancer, you had to be really careful when it came to getting sick or being around sick people.  Well, I kinda knew, but I didn't think about it all that much.

I got diagnosed in August and had my surgery in September.  I didn't really get sick until November, when I was on light duty at work.  At Dr. Moxley's urging, I got my flu shot, and I ended up getting a slight case of the sniffles, but that was nothing major and it's usually expected.  After that, every time someone at work got sick, I did my absolute best to stay away from them.  One poor soul got sick, and I think I might have hurt his feelings when I told him to please stay the hell away from me.  Bless him, he did his absolute best to keep away from me because he knew my immune system was wrecked from the cancer and surgery, but I still caught a slight cold from him a few days later.  He felt bad, but I told him not to worry about it.  I think he was okay with it eventually.

I got sick again late last month.  I don't know how I got sick, but there had been a stomach bug going around town.  I didn't have those symptoms, thankfully, but I did have a high fever, sore throat, stuffy and runny nose, and a bad cough.  Yup, my cold was bad.  But I eventually got over it, and I went about my business.

I got sick again this week.  I thought I was gonna die, I felt that bad.  My head was killing me, I couldn't smell with my nose, my eyes were burning so bad, my fever wouldn't go below 102°, and my throat was so swollen I had trouble speaking.  It turns out that I have a throat infection that could've easily been strep throat.  Whew, I'm glad it wasn't that serious.  I am currently on antibiotics, and it's starting to clear up a bit.  But I do have to miss a total of five days of work, which sucks.  At least I'm getting better, and doctors are keeping a closer eye on me.  Thank goodness.  I still hate that cancer has messed with my health, though.

*kathy*

Being Sick

I hate being sick.  Ugh, it sucks big time!!  :-/  my eyes hurt, my sinuses are driving me nuts, and I'm nauseous.  Apparently I am afflicted with the illness that's been going around lately.  It's certainly making its way around work, that's for sure!  Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but with the whole cancer issue, I have to be really careful with my health.  What a bummer.  I've already missed one day of work, and I may have to miss another one.  Dammit.  I've been sick once already, but that time, it wasn't as bad.  OTC medicine doesn't seem to be working, and neither do orange juice or Sprite.  I've tried resting, and that helps very little.  Pfftt.  I hope I get better soon.  I wanna be back to normal.

*kathy*

Writing

Oh, my...my writing is really coming along now!!  :-)  For a while, I didn't really have the desire to do any writing for my, ahem, memoir.  Writer's block, I suppose one could say.  But lately, I've gotten a desire to put my thoughts down to paper.  In the past week and a half, I have written perhaps 30 pages.  Can't wait to finish and get it published!!!  :-)

*kathy*

2013

It's now been just over 4 months since my cancer diagnosis.  Doesn't seem like it sometimes.  It feels like it just happened yesterday.  I especially felt on New Year's Eve.  Why on New Year's Eve?  It was the 3rd anniversary of my mother's death.  When I received the news of the cancer, she was the very first person I thought of to tell.  I wanted so much to hug her!!  I felt so lost without her.  Sure, I had the support of my family and friends, but there is nothing--nothing!--like the love and support of a mother.  And it hurt knowing that she couldn't hold me in her arms and tell me that everything was gonna be okay, because I was tough.  I would have given my right arm to have her here.  :-(  I ended up with early-stage cancer, thankfully, but still, at the time I didn't know what was going to happen to me.  But I start to think about it, my mother was there for me.  She was my guardian angel.  And I can't imagine anything better than that.

Happy 2013!!

*kathy*