Three Months

Hard to imagine that it has been three months since my surgery.  Sure doesn't feel like it, though.  There are times when I still hurt, and it gets kinda hard to do normal things, like the laundry.  It used to take me only a day to clean my apartment, but since the hysterectomy, it gets a lot harder to maintain my energy, so now it takes about a day and a half to two days to get it clean the way I want.  And I also can't douche like I used to.  (TMI alert.)  I suppose that after Dr. Moxley took out everything, she sewed me up so that nothing else falls out.  (And I've heard that can happen.)  Maybe that's why everything hurts.  But I continue to maintain that this is a small price to pay to be cancer-free.  :-)

*kathy*

Getting Well...and Freaking Out, too

It's been almost three months since my surgery.  Where does the time go!?  Doesn't seem like that long ago, when you think about it.  I did have some issues a couple of weeks ago, though.  I began having some serious, serious pain in my abdominal area for no particular reason.  I simply could not figure out why I was hurting so much.  At first I thought it was gas, but no, it wasn't gas.  The reason I say this is because if it was gas, it would hurt closer to my heart, and the pain I was experiencing was closer to my lower abdominal area.  The pain was similar to what I was going through right before and right after my surgery.  That part was not fun.  There were times that I was in tears, the pain was that excruciating.  :-(  I didn't want to bother my oncologist with such a trivial matter, especially since I had just seen her the month before.  But she was concerned to the point that she said to come right on in to the office.  So that's what I did.

It turns out that my pain was vaginal muscle spasms brought on by tension.  (Whew!!)  The doctor said that this tends to happen sometimes when the hysterectomy patient is young, like I am.  She suggested that I try some relaxation exercises and put me on some muscle relaxers.  I haven't done the exercises, but I do try to have some time to myself in the morning before I get up for the day and do my thing.  The muscle relaxers are totally kicking my ass!  I am sleeping about 9-10 hours and don't get up til a little before 11 a.m. (though today I woke up at 9 a.m.)  But they're working!  I don't have any more pain.  When I run out of the medication, I'm going to do the relaxation thing for sure.  Any little bit helps.  :-)  I'm just so glad that it wasn't a recurrence.  That was the first thing that came to my mind when I started hurting.  That's always going to be at the back of my mind for the rest of my life.  I guess I gotta take days one at a time, and take things as they come.  That's the best we can do, right?

*kathy*

An Early Road Trip

I wasn't supposed to go see Dr. Moxley until February 14th, but life apparently had other plans.  For the past couple of days, I've been having some rather sharp pains in my abdominal area, similar to what I was going through right after I had my surgery.  It hurt so bad to walk that I was literally in tears.  If you didn't know me, you'd think I was doing the walk of shame!  But seriously, though...it started to affect everything I did.  So I called Dr. Moxley, and I explained my situation.  It's normal to have complications after surgery, but not if the surgery happened almost 3 months ago.  She wants to see me ASAP.  So I'm headed to OKC on Thursday.  Believe me, I'm nervous.  I don't want a recurrence of the cancer.  That would be terrifying.  But I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm a fighter.  I will get through it.  :-)
*kathy*

Cancer Sucks

Last night I was informed that a wonderful soul was lost to cancer.  I didn't know Raine very well, but the few times I did hang out with her, I felt like I had known her for years.  I remember the first time I had met her.  I was in search of an apartment...I was in a bad family situation, and I needed to leave pronto.  I went to several places, and they all wanted a deposit before they would save me a place.  Not Raine.  She didn't ask too many questions, but she understood that I needed a place to live on my own.  I didn't have any money, but that didn't matter to her.  She saved my apartment for me until the 1st of the month, when I would be able to pay the rent and deposit.  No one else would be shown the place, she said.  That was awesome of her to do.  Not very many apartment managers would do that, but she did.  She left that job and I didn't see her again for a couple of years.  Turns out, we both knew our friends Richard and Tipton.  I would see her at their house from time to time, and it was obvious that she was pretty sick by then, and it was also obvious that she was in so much pain, but she was still happy.  Always had a smile on her face.  Most people would have already felt sorry for themselves and cut themselves off from the world, but not Raine.  She seemed to live life to the fullest, and never let anything get her down.  She has inspired me to fight harder in my own cancer battle.  I'm not gonna let cancer take away my spirit.  She didn't.
*kathy*

What I'm Thankful for

What I am thankful for this year:

1)  my family
2)  my friends (especially Ashley, Linda, Melanie, and Christa)
3)  my "babies"  (Natalia, Isabel, Sophia, Adrian, Sebastian...)
4)  my job (and the awesome benefits that come with it)
5)  my co-workers (who were there for me when I needed it)
6)  Dr. Winfrey
7)  Dr. Moxley and her staff at the Stephenson Cancer Center
8)  my fellow "peach sisters" on Facebook ("My Fight Against Uterine Cancer")
9)  God (for working through my wonderful doctors)
10)  my dear friend Susan ( she has been so wonderful to me!)
11)  the American Cancer Society and relay for life ( for making strides in the fight against cancer)

Two Months/Regular Duty

Today marks exactly two months since my radical hysterectomy.  There are days that it feels like it happened so long ago, but there are days where it feels like it happened yesterday.  I suppose it's always gonna be like that.  Dr. Moxley tells me that it's gonna be about a year or so before I feel somewhat normal again, at least physically.  Emotionally, it'll probably take years to recover.  I'll have my good days and I'll have my bad days.  Just gotta learn to take them as they come.  :-)

Today's also the day that I finally return to regular duty.  I had returned to work three weeks ago, but I had come back on light duty--it was the way Dr. Moxley would allow me to come back early.  Being on light duty wasn't too bad...but it did suck that I couldn't help my fellow co-workers whenever they needed it.  :-/  now, I can help whenever the need arises.  But I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about working with patients again.  So much has changed in the time I've been away.  I also don't want a patient to get upset and kick me in the stomach, especially since I'm still sensitive in that area.  I still find it difficult to lift heavy things.  But I gotta deal with things as they come.  Besides, I've got good co-workers that will always have my back.

*kathy*

Picture of Health

Went to see Dr. Moxley again today.  The visit went extremely well.  She says that the cancer is still gone, and I'm still healthy!!  Yes!  I am super duper excited about this news.  Only a cancer patient can truly understand how nerve-wracking these checkups can be.  Last night I could not sleep very well because I was so worked up about what I thought Dr. Moxley would tell me.  But everything turned out okay, so I had nothing to worry about.  :-)  she did tell me that it would probably take about a year before I'm completely normal again.  That seems like a long time.  :-/  but it's been 2 months already, so I guess time flies by!!  I just gotta take it easy and not overexert myself too much.  But it feels nice, bc she gave me the clearance to return to work at full duty...and I get to throw away my trash now!!  I know, I know...seems like a minor task, but after what I've been through, this is big.  :-)  it's the small things in life, I suppose.  My next visit is February 14, 2013.  Hmm...Valentine's Day...  ;-)
*kathy*

Why I Relay

Why I Relay

I've always been a big supporter of anything related to cancer survival and research. I only had an uncle who died from cancer, but I was only 8 years old, so I don't really remember him all that much. My friend Susan was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and after going through grueling treatments, she's in remission. Good news, indeed. But I never thought that my experience with cancer would go beyond that. But life had other plans.

I was diagnosed with uterine (or more commonly called endometrial) cancer in August 2012. I was stunned to say the least. I had been having excessive vaginal bleeding, which led to a pelvic exam, Pap smear, and biopsy. It was during these routine examinations that the cancer was found. I simply cannot stress enough the importance of these yearly exams. Too often, women go years without these simple (but lifesaving) tests. The discomfort is not fun to experience, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.

I had a radical hysterectomy in September 2012, and my wonderful oncologist explained that my cancer was found at Stage 1A, Grade 2, one of the earliest stages. I did not have to do any chemotherapy or radiation, praise the good Lord, but I did lose some hair. So I went ahead and chopped the rest of it off. A bit drastic, I know. But it serves as a reminder of what I've gone through. Dr. Moxley says I will have to be monitored closely for the next 5 years, but I have only a 3% chance of recurrence. I think I can cope with those odds. :-)

It is my sincere hope that one day this type of cancer, as well as all types of cancer, will be eradicated. If we pull together and support the American Cancer Society and many other organizations like it, cancer will one day be history. :-)

*Kathy*
survivor, endometrial adenocarcinoma

Feeling Blue

It's been one of those days for me emotionally.  I found out a friend of mine was pregnant.  While I'm happy for her, it's been hard for me accept.  Every time I hear the news of a new pregnancy, it's like I've been stabbed.  It hurts that bad. 

It's painful to me because I know I'll never get to share that type of news with anyone.  I know that I should be giving thanks that my cancer was caught early, and I'm now in remission.  And I am.  But this was the price I had to pay to be healthy.  I don't know why I had the misfortune of being diagnosed with a cancer that usually strikes women in their 50's and 60's.  I wanted kids, dammit.  My own kids, not someone else.  What I would give to experience what some of my friends go through, both the good and the bad.  I suppose that one day I'll be able to cope with what I've been given, but right now, I'm totally not feeling it.

*kathy*

Returning to Work

I can't believe it's been one week since I was able to return to work.  I spent six weeks at home recovering from the hysterectomy, and I was going stir-crazy!  :-(  so imagine my excitement when I was given the green light to return to duty.  OK, so Dr. Moxley said I could only return to work if it was on light duty.  But hey, light duty is better than no duty, is it not?  I can agree with those conditions.  Those that haven't gone through what I went through couldn't possibly begin to know what I felt like during that time off.  But anyway...

My first day back was a little unnerving.  I didn't know what to expect, how people were going to react.  So many things had changed in the time I was gone, so it was going to be like starting a new job.  But people were mostly accommodating.  I had a few naysayers that I don't think were happy with my return, but I say screw them.  They don't mean anything to me, anyhow.  The people who mattered to me were the ones I was interested in...no one else mattered.

My true friends at work gave me hugs and congratulated me on being able to come back early.  It's not been easy since last Monday.  The walk to and from the unit each day kills me, energy-wise.  But the awesome thing is that when I leave at night, I always seem to have someone walking with me.  I never walk out alone.  That's cool, too.  :-)  So, for all the haters I have, I have so many more people supporting me.  That's what matters.

*kathy*

"The Change"

I've heard several people tell me that I would have a lifetime of adjustments after having a radical hysterectomy.  "You're gonna be experiencing so many emotions once you enter menopause," they say.  I would be having lots of highs and lows as far as hormones go.  People have told me about hot flashes, and whoo...they weren't kidding!!  I hate these things.  It can be 40° outside, and I would be needing to have the AC on.  It seems like anytime it's over 75° outside, I'm burning up.  I know one thing:  I'm glad it's not summer anymore.  I'm not looking forward to it.

They also say that your sex drive will probably go kaput, due to the lack of estrogen.  Psshh.  If anything, since the hysterectomy my libido has gone absolutely haywire!!  Oh, dear, it seems like I'm craving "it" more.  Maybe it's not a bad thing that I'm currently unattached to a guy.  Pity the first fellow who dates me post-hysterectomy.  ;-)

So I guess I'm not gonna be needing hormone therapy, after all.  My hormones are just fine, thank you very much.  ;-)

*kathy*

Writing

ERMAHGERD!!  I'm writing a book!  Why, you ask?  Well, in this cancer journey, I've had lots of thoughts and emotions, and I can't help but put them to paper.  I figured it would be a good idea to start a journal as well as a blog.  That in turn led to writing a book.  I thought that I could inspire at least one person by telling my story.  Somebody's bound to be encouraged by my fighting spirit and determination to live, don't you think?  :-)

In writing this book, I have found that I have had more emotions than I thought, even some that I forgot about.  I can't wait to finish this book so it can be published.  That way, people can read it.  I'm anxious to see what others think about my life.  :-)

*kathy*

Time Flies

It's hard to believe that it's more than a month now since the hysterectomy.  At times it seems like it happened yesterday, and then there are times that it seems like so long ago.  I've had my ups and downs, both pain-wise and emotionally.  There are days that I can barely move, and there are days where I feel like I can do jumping jacks.  (Though I don't attempt to do those.  I am not that crazy.)  And my emotions?  Psshh.  They make me feel like I'm on a roller coaster.  At times I am happy, that there's nothing wrong.  But there are also times where I'm sad, lonely, and depressed.  I'm angry that I got diagnosed with cancer and that I needed my hysterectomy.  I wanted kids, dammit, and now I couldn't have that.  It seemed like one cruel joke, and it wasn't funny at all.

But I suppose that's how life goes, sometimes.  I'm reminded of a phrase I saw on Twitter once:  "if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it."  That's what gets me through all of this, not to mention the love and support of my family and friends.  I couldn't ask for a better group of people.

*kathy*

One Month

It's hard to believe that it's been exactly one month since the radical hysterectomy that changed my life.  I've been in remission since that time, and I've had my ups and downs.  I have gone into menopause (at 32...wtf!?), and I hate it.  Absolutely hate it.  Hot flashes, and occasional bouts of the blues.  But the bouts have been rare, and they aren't as bad as I thought.  I do suffer from loneliness when people don't drop by or text.  But I can easily fix that ishh by getting in my car and going to visit my loved ones.  No problem.  :-)

I go back to Oklahoma City on November 15 to see Dr. Moxley.  I think she'll do some tests to see if the cancer is still gone.  I have been talking to some of my fellow "peach sisters", and they tell me this is usually how it goes.  After the 16th, I won't have to go back til February 2013.  If I can stay like this for the next 5 years, then I'll be considered cured.  I think I can handle that.

*Kathy*

How It All Started

My memory's not what it used to be (I supposed that's a result of being hit in the head at work), so there aren't too many things that I can't remember too well.  But I can remember clear as day how my cancer fight got started and the medical emergency that led to my diagnosis.

I've had bad monthly cycles for the past 8 years.  I didn't have any for 5 years, then I've had sporadic cycles, on and off, for 3 years.  I started having somewhat regular ones for about 6 months (though I had really heavy ones, but I didn't concern myself with that).  I was excited.  It meant that I might be able to have kids.  Woo hoo.  :-)

I can remember the exact day that my most recent issues started.  I began my period on July 20.  I was mad because that was the exact day that I went on vacation with my sister and my nephew.  Who wants to go on vacation during "that" time of the month??  I didn't, that was for damn sure.  I figured that it would last for a few days, and I would be able to enjoy the rest of my vacation.  Psshh, I wish.  It ended up lasting the entire 9 days!  :-(  Some vacation!  Anyway, I continued to have the red flow for days.  Okay, this is not good.  But I still didn't want to go to the doctor.  I figured the problem would go away.  But it didn't.  I still had the flow.  I did not want it.  At all.  It got worse.  And I hated it.  But finally one day, it stopped, as if someone had turned off a faucet.  And I was happy.  But I wasn't happy for long.

I started again the very next day, August 14th.  It started off as a light flow, so I wasn't too worried.  I was at work and needed to eat, so I went on break.  I went to the restroom and noticed the flow was heavier, so I changed, and finished my break.  I went back to work.  Ten minutes after I was back, I felt something "pop" down there.  Then, I felt something flowing hard, kinda like someone was pouring a drink down the drain.  I asked the RN to let me go home and change, because the blood soaked through the pad, the underwear, and the shorts I was wearing.  She let me go home, thank goodness.  When I got to my bathroom, I came very close to blacking out.  All that blood loss, I suppose.  :-/  I sat down on the toilet and it was as if someone had hit a fire hydrant or something.  The flow was that hard.  I figured I was doing #1.  Then I thought, no, that can't be right.  Something's going on.  I cleaned myself up and changed.  Before I flushed the toilet, I looked in it.  Holy crap!!  I saw red water floating.  I had never been so scared in my entire life.  My friend Ashley, who I was texting at the time, convinced me to go to the ER.  I was there for over 2 hours.  The doctor did a pelvic exam and some tests but couldn't find anything wrong.  He asked me if I had a gynecologist, and I said no, I didn't.  He said to make an appointment, but I told him that I had one in October.  He told me that I simply could not wait that long.  So I made an appointment the next morning, and they told me I could go that next day.  I went to see Dr. Winfrey, and she was wonderful.  She did a Pap smear and took some tissue samples.  I went home, and 8 days later, I was given the worst news:  I had uterine cancer.  I was sad, angry, resentful, and scared, to name a few.  But I was relieved, too.  Why?  Because it meant that I finally knew what was wrong with me, and that it wasn't just my imagination.  I was sick.  But now, I'm better.  :-)

*Kathy*

A Drastic Lifestyle Change

Soon after my hysterectomy, as I have mentioned, I began losing hair.  I was not happy when I found a bald spot on the back of my head.  So I decided to take matters into my hands and had the hair chopped off.  It took the stylist an hour to get it to where I wanted it, but she did it.  I thought I was going to cry when I saw the final result and all that hair on the floor.  But nope, I didn't.  I smiled instead.  Guess I'm stronger than I thought.  :-)

*Kathy*

Hair Loss and Going Back to Work

I had a totally unexpected (and most definitely unwanted!!!) side effect from my hysterectomy and ovary removal.  Ever since I got out of surgery, my head has been itching like crazy and hurting a little bit.  It was driving me nuts that I couldn't figure out what was happening.  I had been losing my hair (more than what is usual), and I didn't like that, but I didn't really think anything of it.  Saturday morning I was taking a shower and rinsing my hair after washing it.  I pulled out a small handful of hair strands, more than what is healthy.  :-(  And yes, I was freaking out.  I like my hair, and I didn't want to lose any of it if I could help it.  But I put the thought aside and went about my day:  napping, eating, watching tv, and reading.  Later that night, while watching the telly, I lightly scratched the back of my head because it was itching.  Imagine my surprise when I felt something smooth.  So I got my phone and took a couple of pictures of my head.  When I looked at the pictures, I flipped.  On the back where I had been itching there was a half-dollar coin-sized bald spot that wasn't present before my surgery!!!  :-(  I began crying and wondering wtf was going on.  I wasn't undergoing chemo or radiation, so I didn't know why the hell I was losing my hair.  I thought I was going to lose more, and I had even planned to shave my head (which I still might do, btw).  My friend Susan (bless her!) calmly talked to me and told me there was probably a simple explanation, such as the medication I was under.  She told me to call my oncologist first thing Monday.  So that's what I did.  I didn't talk to Dr. Moxley, but I did talk to her nurse.  She explained to me that this is common among women after surgery.  It comes from being laid flat on the operating table for about 5 hours or so (like I was), and not having a cushion underneath my head.  The harsh surface irritates a person's scalp and messes with the hair follicles, causing the hair to fall out.  It's rather common, like I said, and the hair grows back quickly, so I have nothing to really worry about.  It was a relief to me, and I don't have to freak out.  Thank goodness!!  :-)  now all I have to do is wait for the hair to grow back.  I still wanna shave, though.  You know, to honor those who are struggling more than I am.  :-)

Dr. Moxley wants to see me again on November 15th.  She doesn't want me to go back to work until I receive clearance from her.  I was supposed to return on November 14th, but I won't receive clearance til the next day, so I suppose I'll return on the 16th of November, at the earliest.  Grr.  Two more days I gotta wait.  It sucks.  I hate it.  But then again, Dr. Moxley wants to make absolutely sure that I'm completely okay to go back at full strength.  I can't complain about that.  I love having a doctor who cares about my health and is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty.  Every patient should have a doctor like her.  :-)

*Kathy*

Happy Thoughts

It's amazing how 24 hours can change a person and their outlook.  For 2 weeks, I was sad and bummed out...on the verge of going into depression.  I was angry, too.  I hated the fact that I had cancer and required the need for a radical hysterectomy.  I had plans for kids (one or two would have been nice), and this uterine cancer thing ruined my chances.  All sorts of thoughts were running through my mind.  Was I going to need chemo or radiation?  Was I going to die from this?  Did the cancer spread any?  So many thoughts.  I didn't want to think negatively, but sometimes I couldn't help it.  I was going stir-crazy, not knowing the results of the testing.  I even called the oncologist to see if I could get the results early, to no avail.  :-/  I finally went for my follow-up on Thursday, and I got my results.  When I was told that my cancer was at such a low stage I needed no further treatment, happy didn't even begin to describe it.  It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  I finally knew and I could live again!!!  Yay!!!  People who have never been in this position could not even possibly begin to understand how I felt.  I felt like I wasn't really living in those two weeks.  And that probably contributed to my depression.  :-(  But now, I've been happy and smiling nonstop.  Being told you don't need further treatment and that you are in remission does that to you.  :-)

*kathy*

Stage 1a, Grade 2

The title says it all.  :-)

Went to see Dr. Moxley today.  I only had to wait 10 minutes, but they were the 10 longest minutes of my life.  I was so anxious to get my results!  It's easy for others to say for me to be patient, but they're not the ones who have to wait.  Bah!!  But anyhow...Dr. Moxley came in and checked out everything.  I am healing from the hysterectomy quite nicely, which is good.  She told me that the cancer was confined to the uterus, and that it was caught early.  Thank goodness!!!  :-)  she also said that I don't need any chemo or radiation treatments.  So yeah, I guess you could say I'm in remission now!!!   Yay!!!!!

I was just so overcome with emotion when the doctor told me the good news.  I didn't think that I would react the way I did, but there you have it.  You never know how you're going to react to something unless you're confronted with the situation.  You never know how strong you are until you have to go through something like this.  I've been called plenty of things, but I never thought that "cancer survivor" would be one of them.  It takes a special kind of person to be called a cancer survivor, so I guess I'm special then!!  :-)

The uterine cancer is at Stage 1a, Grade 2, hence the name of the entry title.  :-)  I have been thanking the good Lord all day that it was only at this stage.  I have been truly blessed.  Truly.

*Kathy*

Nerves

Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. Moxley in Oklahoma City, to find out what stage and what grade my cancer is at.  I tell ya, I am quite the nervous Nellie.  :-/  Yeah, after surgery, she told me that she thinks they got it all, and it is not likely I'll need any chemotherapy or radiation.  But I have to admit, I'm scared that it's more widespread than she thought.  I am due to go back to work the middle of November.  If any other treatment is necessary, that means I can't go back to work just yet.  And that would be extremely disappointing.  I love what I do and the people I work with.  It's only been 2 weeks, and I'm already going nuts.  I hate being stuck at home.  I am an independent spirit, so this is new territory for me.  :-/  I've had a lot of time to think, and I'm tired of having to ask people to come see me.  I have had one person come see me since Saturday.  So yeah, I'm bummed, and you can see why I'm anxious to return to work.  I'd be around people.  Bleh.  :-/  I hate to be negative, but this damn cancer has me depressed.  And I still don't feel like a complete woman.  :-/  Gotta learn to get past that...surely there's a guy out there that will love me no matter what.

*Kathy*

Random, Rambling Thoughts

I'm totally wishing Thursday was already here.  Why?  Because I'm wanting to know what stage and grade my cancer is at.  I'm wondering if chemotherapy and radiation are going to be necessary.  I really don't wanna have to do either one.  :-/  Dr. Moxley told me that half the time, surgery is the only thing that is needed to get rid of the cancer.  But what's gonna happen if I'm part of the 50% that is gonna need something else?  That part scares me.  I don't wanna have to require anything else.  I don't wanna have to go through what my friend Susan went through when she had her breast cancer ordeal.  Sometimes I wonder if the treatment is worse than the cancer.  :-/  and if it turns out that I will need further treatment, I'll be out of work even longer than the 8 weeks I'm currently under.  It's only been 2 weeks since I've been on medical leave, and I'm already going stir-crazy.  This morning, I tested my strength by taking myself to the store and the post office.  That was not the wisest of plans.  My abdomen was killing me when I finally got home.  The trip to the store took longer than I expected because I had to stop and rest, I had such little energy.  :-(  No wonder the doctor said no driving for six weeks.  Ugh.  I hate having cancer.  It's no fun at all!!  I wanted to go to my high school's homecoming game...didn't get to.  I had also wanted to go to the Rangers regular-season home finale...didn't get to do that, either.  :-(  Like I have said, I'm hoping that the radical hysterectomy was all that I needed.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  :-/

*kathy*

Feeling Incomplete

It's been said that after a woman has a hysterectomy, she doesn't feel complete, that no one will want her.  I always thought this was an exaggeration, but after my ordeal, I have found that it wasn't one after all.  :-(  I always had hope that I would settle down and have kids (not necessarily getting married, mind you).  I even had names picked out if I ever got lucky and became pregnant.  But when my oncologist told me that I would need a radical hysterectomy (even the ovaries couldn't be saved), I cried.  I truly cried.  I felt like my one chance at happiness was gone in that one moment.  :-(  Most guys my age want to settle down and have a child or two.  And I can't give him that.  There's really nothing I can offer.  :-/  Honestly, who would want to be with someone who can't produce?  The questions about "when are you two gonna have a baby?" are bound to annoy him sooner or later, and I'm sure it would drive a wedge between us.  And adoption is a no-go.  It's not the same, I don't care what anyone says.  It's just not.  :-(  I feel broken inside, and no one can put me back together.  And that's just too bad.

*kathy*

Things That Annoy Me...

Ever since I announced my uterine cancer diagnosis and the necessity of a hysterectomy (therefore never having any kids), people, though they mean well, have said some weird and annoying things.  I know they mean well, like I said, but it's still painful to hear.  :-(  I know their heart's in the right place, but that doesn't mean I like to hear it.  So here's a list:

1)  "You can always adopt."  Most often, the person who tells me this is someone who's got kids and doesn't know the pain of having uterine cancer.  A hysterectomy means never getting the chance to hear someone call you "Mom".  I love kids, so this is very hard news to take.  Yeah, I know there's always adoption and I might end up with a man who has kids of his own, but IT'S NOT THE SAME.  There is no substitute.  None.  So please don't tell me I can always adopt.  It feels condescending, and I don't wanna hear it.
2)  "You can have sex all day and not have to worry about getting pregnant."  That feels condescending, too.  Yeah, it sounds nice to be able to have an all-day roll in the sack, but please don't mention stuff like being pregnant.
3)  "I wish I could have your problem."  WTF??  This is the most insensitive and ridiculous thing anyone could ever say to me.  My "problem"?  Makes it seem minor.  Cancer is not a minor issue here, folks.  I would gladly have those monthly cycles, PMS, tampons, and pads any day.  Give me those over uterine cancer.  And I don't appreciate anyone making light of this situation.
4)  "You don't look sick."  WTF does that mean?  I didn't realize there was a specific way I was supposed to look because I have cancer.  I must've missed that memo.
5)  "You need to be at home and relax."  Yeah, maybe.  Then again, you try staying at home for 8 weeks and not being able to go anywhere is driving me crazy.  It's not like I'm gonna go build a house or anything, but I do like short car rides every now and then.  And they are great for the morale.  :-)

So just keep these in mind, and everything will be OK.  If you do happen to slip up and say something like this, I'll understand.  It happens.  But please don't make it a habit.

Love, Kathy :-)

One Week

It's been exactly one week since my radical hysterectomy.  Each day I am slowly getting better, though I am not completely there yet.  This morning I wanted to take a short walk around the patio of my apartment complex.  Just walking down the stairs almost completely sapped my energy.  Talk about being disappointed.  :-(  I had wanted to take myself to the store, but not really being able to walk too far shot that plan down.  :-(  thankfully, my friend Harlie came and took me.  (I was determined to get out of the apartment!!)  Walking out of the store did wipe me out a bit, though.  So I came home, ate some lunch, took my meds, and took a nap.  My aunt came over and cleaned my place up and did my laundry while I slept, so I'm grateful for that.  :-)  I do have good moments, though.  I no longer struggle to get out of bed, and I can lay on my side, even if it's just for a short while.  Coughing has gotten a lot easier.  It no longer feels like my insides are being ripped out.  It's a good feeling.  :-)  going to the restroom has gotten easier, too, and I don't have to go as often.  :-)  the only thing I wish I could control but can't would be my emotions.  :-(  I still spontaneously burst into tears, and I still get angry about getting cancer.  Every little thing makes me sad or upset or angry.  But each time this happens, I try to think of the love and support of those that care about me, and it does seem to help.  And I remind myself to take it one day at a time.  Really, that's all any of us can do.  :-)

One Month

It's sometimes hard to imagine that it's been exactly one month since my cancer diagnosis.  My, so much has happened to me in those 31 days.  It seems like yesterday that I received that phone call that forever changed my life.  Stuff has radically changed.  I didn't know one month ago that I would be recovering from a major surgery.  But that's the way things go, I suppose.  There are times that I'm angry, crying out "why me?" and "I didn't anything to deserve this."  But I know that God has brought me to this for a reason.  He won't put this on me if He didn't think I could get through it.  So I know I'll be OK.  :-)

Post-Surgery Medicine

Before my surgery, I only had to take one medicine.  Now, I am up to four.  For a person who doesn't like medicine and has a fear of needles, this is hard to adjust to.  :-/

Mood Swings Suck

Before I had my hysterectomy, I talked to several women who had the same procedure done.  They all said that I'll be going through some tough times emotionally.  Boy, they weren't kidding.  :'(  I find myself constantly bursting into tears for no real reason.  And I hate it.  :-(  I'm usually a happy person; I love to laugh and smile, so this is new for me.  Sometimes I feel so alone in all of this, like no one cares.  I know that there are people that do love me, and I'm trying to remind myself of that.  But it's so hard, though.  I just want to hurry up and get better, and it feels like it's taking forever.  :-(

Post-Surgery Update

It's been a couple of days since the last time I was on here, so I figured I should give an update.  :-)  I had my hysterectomy on Wednesday the 19th.  I didn't think that Dr. Moxley would operate on me so soon after my initial visit, but I suppose she wanted to remove the cancer as soon as she could.  She originally wanted to do it on the 12th, but I needed to arrange some things, so we settled on the 19th.  So off to OKC I go.  I arrived at OU Medical Center at 5 a.m.  So much stuff they had to do that morning, so many needles.  Bleh.  :-/  My surgery started at 7 a.m. and it lasted close to 5 hours.  The anesthesia didn't really agree with me, so they kept me in recovery another couple of hours.  I finally got to a room about 3 that afternoon, and they had me on a clear liquid diet, which I did not like at all.  I vomited everything but the popsicle I ate.  Nurse said it was probably bc of the anesthesia wearing off.  I was in so much pain, and hated wearing that damn catheter.  So imagine my relief when it was removed.  :-/  that first night was horrible.  I kept having to use the restroom, and I couldn't go without assistance.  :-(  sleep wasn't too much fun, either.  Probably because of the pain.  I finally started sleeping somewhat around 4 a.m. after the nurses did their blood draw.  After that, I started getting better, and I was discharged Thursday afternoon.  The 3-hour ride back to Vernon was horrible.  Every little bump sent stabbing pains through my abdomen.  It felt like I was going to die.  :-(  but I finally made it home, thank goodness.  The adventure now is getting in and out of bed and going to the restroom.  Takes me forever!  It seems like I'm always going to the potty.  I hate the struggle each time.  Doctor said I'll be like this for a while.  Totally not looking forward to this.  :-/  I sincerely hope Dr. Moxley is right and that all the cancer is gone.  I hear chemo and radiation are worse.  :-(

Surgery thoughts

My visit with Dr. Moxley went pretty good, I think.  She was simply amazing.  She and her staff took the time to explain to me what was going on, and what to expect.  They didn't really try to sugarcoat anything, which is what I appreciate.  She told me that the cancer is significant but manageable.  She also said that if there was a "good" cancer to get, this was it, if that makes any sense.  She thinks that the cancer was found early, so I'm grateful for that.  They're going to do a complete hysterectomy and remove some lymph nodes.  I'll be out of work for a minimum of 2 months, if there aren't any complications.  I hope not.  I would miss my co-workers.  Not to mention I hate not being able to do anything for myself, seeing that I'm an independent person.  And the chemo...ugh, I don't want to think about that.  :-/  but I'm ready for anything that comes my way.  I have the love and support of wonderful friends and family.  I'll be fine.  :-)

The Night Before....

So the day is almost here.  Tomorrow I finally get to meet Dr. Moxley, the woman who's going to be my gynecologic oncologist.  :-)  I am going to have to admit that I am quite nervous.  And a little bit scared.  I don't know what to expect, don't know what is going to happen to me.  :-/  I sincerely hope that the cancer hasn't spread any.  :-(  But from what I was told, uterine cancer is a very curable type of cancer (over 90% survival rate) and it's often found early.  Which is good for me.  I hate feeling like this, living with the stomach pains that occasionally hit me out of nowhere.  :-(  I am not looking forward to the hysterectomy (if that's what I need to have), but if it cures me, then I'll do it.  The same goes for the chemotherapy and radiation.  The way I look at it, hair grows back.  A person's life does not.  :-)

*Kathy*  :-)

August 24, 2012

It's a Friday.  1:57 pm, and I'm getting ready for work.  Even though I had just had two days off, I was still not ready to go back.  There's something about having more than one consecutive day off that makes you feel like wanting to say in bed.  :-)  It was just like any other day.  I even remember what I was wearing:  lavender T-shirt, blue jean shorts, white socks and sneakers, an outfit I have yet to wear again (too painful, I suppose).  Funny how a person can remember stuff like that.  I can recall exactly what I was doing when the phone rang.  I had just finished putting on my make-up and was about to put on my eyeshadow (it was purple--you know, to match the shirt) when the phone rang.  I had dropped my tube of eyeshadow on the phone, and somehow, that had made the phone pick up.  (damn smartphones.)  It was my gynecologist's office.  The lady's name was Rebecca or Rachel or something like that.  She said that the results from my two tests came back.  Oh.  I had forgotten about them.  (My bad!)  Anyway, she told me that my Pap smear came back normal, so that was a relief.  But the next few words are words that I will  never forget:  "We also got the results of the biopsy back, and it shows that you do have uterine cancer."  I began crying and almost dropped the phone.  I just could not believe it.  I didn't want to believe it!  Seriously, who wants to hear a cancer diagnosis at the age of 32?  I was in the prime of my life:  I had a (reasonably) good job, a great family, awesome friends...there was no room for cancer.  None.  But there it was.  Those were the thoughts that were running through my mind as I was on the phone.  Six minutes, 30 seconds that changed my life.  Six lousy minutes!

As I remained on the phone, the words "uterine cancer" kept repeating themselves in my head.  It didn't even seem real.  It was like someone's idea of a really cruel joke.  Well, it wasn't funny at all!  I tried concentrating on the words the nurse (or whatever she was) was telling me.  I was told that this was a very curable type of cancer, and that they were confident it was found early.  I suppose that was my silver lining.  But still, hearing those words can do something to a person's spirit.  Your life is not the same after that.  So many thoughts and emotions go through your mind:  fear, anger, hostility, resentment, just to name a few.  You feel like you're alone in this.  But the truth is, no one is ever really alone.  So many love you, and support you.  It's not only your fight, but their fight, too.  :-)

Kathy :-)

Kathy's Journey

Hi, my name's Kathy.  On August 24, 2012, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer.  It was quite a shock to me, no doubt.  There had been almost no history of cancer in my family (except for an uncle and a cousin), so I couldn't believe my news.  :-/  but anyway, this blog is meant to detail my journey, from diagnosis to (hopefully!!) remission.  I have been keeping a journal about this, and some of the entries on this blog will be journal entries.  You'll know they're journal entries when you see a date in the title.  :-)  I will no doubt be experiencing highs and lows as far as emotions go, and these blog entries will most likely reflect that.  So sit back and enjoy.  :-)

lots of love,
Kathy :-)